The Zodiac According to Lana Del Rey
Lana Del Rey is a poet’s dream. Every album she puts out—including her latest, Norman Fucking Rockwell—is strangely out of vogue, yet entirely fitting of our moods. She’s never chased the zeitgeist. She’s eternally sad. And she’s always looking for love and a beach somewhere, too. If you’ve ever wondered what Lana song you are based on your zodiac sign, well, we’re here to tell you.
Aries: “Off to the Races”
This song is fucking crazy. There’s Black Cristal, cocaine, Bacardi chasers and—obviously—true love. If an Aries hasn’t scared you off in the first two minutes, chances are you’ll appreciate their intensity. And Lana gets very, very intense here. She’s basically gambling on everything and willing to do whatever it takes to go from her “flat broke down life” to the Chateau Marmont. She’s risking it all for fame and a man! Very Aries. Very chic!
Taurus: “Video Games”
If there are two things that could definitely be said about a Taurus, it’s that they’re nostalgic and romantic. This classic Lana song is, too. It’s dreaming of a past love which eclipses all others, with its constant refrain of “it’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you” sung with a sweet sadness, reminiscing of all those “old bars” and “old stars.” Like any good Taurus, it’s also ready to give a well-deserved dig at this past love, with its highly judgmental (and catchy) line: “Go play your video games.” Basically this song loves you forever but also disapproves of your life choices. Total Taurus burn.
Gemini: “Brooklyn Baby”
Geminis are hot nerds. They love jazz and poetry and all the things Lana sings about here. They’re also playful and think highly of themselves (“yeah my boyfriend’s pretty cool but he’s not as cool as me”). “Brooklyn Baby” might sound easy-going, but it’s punchy and willing to get a bit wild too—hydroponic weed, feathers in hair and all. When Lana name drops Lou Reed she definitely wants you to know that she’s too cool for school. And honestly, that’s so Gemini.
Cancer: “Born to Die”
Anyone who knows this song knows that it is a quintessential love ballad for any Cancer who is madly in love. Because deep in this water sign (and any water sign really) is the occult wisdom that to love deeply is to acknowledge the cycle of life, which includes equal parts birth and death. “Born to Die” is just so Cancer, complaining to their lover that they “feel so alone on a Friday night” (I mean, who doesn’t really) and can they “make it feel like home if I tell you you’re mine?” Because all Cancers need their lovers to know they absolutely belong to them—no questions asked. And after this song, who wouldn’t want to belong to a Cancer? #callus
Leo: “Venice Bitch”
Leos would be the longest Lana song, clocking in at just under 10 minutes and demanding your time and attention. What’s so Leo about “Venice Bitch” is that at their core, Leos are a bit basic. What they really want is “Hallmark, one dream, one life, one lover.” Obviously they’re stunning and glamorous, but if they could be obsessively worshipped by one person who really knows them—like whoever Lana is singing about here—as opposed to a million people who adore them on the surface, they’d choose the deeper connection. And they’d let you know you’re very lucky to have them, of course!
Virgo: “Summertime Sadness”
With Virgo season now in full swing, I think we all feel like this song. Summertime is supposed to be a time of endless fun and sun, with lazy days on the beach and make out sessions galore. But there’s also, as Virgos remind us, the sobering effect that comes with the approach of autumn. While we once dreamt of summer’s respite, we should have been planning for all the work we need to do. (And all Virgos love to remind us we should be working harder.) This song also has the sensual glamour of Virgos: “I got my red dress on tonight / Dancin’ in the dark in the pale moonlight / Done my hair up real big, beauty queen style / High heels off, I’m feelin’ alive.” A Virgo uniform!
Libra: “13 Beaches”
The sweeping, grandiose opening of this song is unapologetically romantic. Yet the longer it goes on, the more guarded you realize Lana is. Remind you of any Libras you know? Every Libra has probably written “it hurts to love you but I still love you, it’s just the way I feel” in their journal at some point—along with all the other incredibly emotional things they’re terrified to share because they just want to seem impeccable and “camera ready, almost all the time.” Look, Libras just want to love you, okay?! And be cagey at the same time. A real mood.
Scorpio: “Burning Desire”
Anyone with any planet in Scorpio can feel this song deep in their gut. “Burning Desire” is about pure and endless obsession for someone. And like any Scorpio, this song’s romantic obsession is not about liking someone’s jokes or the way they decorated their bathroom—it’s about having a never-ending burning physical desire for them that goes beyond any possible dimension of existence. All this song wants from a Saturday night is to “get dressed up to ride for you, baby” and “drive fast, wind in my hair, push it to the limits ’cause I just don’t care” (hot). I mean this song is going to “touch myself to pretend you’re there.” That’s the kind of Scorpio lover we are dealing with here.
Sagittarius: “Ride”
Everything about a Sagittarius is a paradox. In “Ride,” Lana wants to be kept by a lover and to be out on the open road at the same time. She’s melancholy, obsessed with freedom, and constantly getting into trouble. This is definitely Sagittarius culture. Not to mention that in the video she’s a struggling singer willing to use her charm in whatever ways necessary. If you’ve ever flirted with a Sagittarius, you know they do this. They basically will tell you what you want to hear and then never text you back after.
Capricorn: “Money Power Glory”
Hate to say it, but the title says it all. Money, power, and glory is what Capricorns live for. This Lana deep cut is pretty ruthless (and honest) about admitting it will get those by any means necessary, telling us that it wants to “take you for all that you’ve got.” It’s tough like a Capricorn and has a life that made up of “losses and wins and fails and falls.” It’s also deeply intuitive and knows that you want to give up everything you have for it. This song even has self-knowledge and is kind enough to let you know that you probably “should run, boy, run.” At least it’s giving us a bit of a head start. If we were you, we would run away as fast as possible. Like, right now.
Aquarius: “Freak”
Aquarians are the sign of rebellion and definitely self-identify as freaks. This is the weirdest love song Lana’s ever recorded. She’s basically like, Yeah come to California, let’s drop acid and maybe fall in love. It’s not really a joke either. She’s even kind of aggressive when she says “screw your anonymity, loving me is all you need to feel like I do.” And I hope we all know that when an Aquarius wants something, that something will be theirs. You don’t want to make them mad or disappoint them. Their love and hate are both pretty icy, like the odd electric guitar that pops up at certain moments in this track.
Pisces: “High by the Beach”
This song is so calming, even though there’s something definitely dark and sinister going on, which we never quite figure out, too. Is the song referring to a breakup or a capital offense? Oh, who knows, we’re too busy feeling chill because even the video is oceanic and features the soft breezes of aquatic/Pisces culture. Lana is all decked out in diaphanous fabrics, letting the wind and sand breeze through her words like a mermaid. It makes this song a total Pisces, because a Pisces is always ready to go to the underworld with you—especially if the underworld involves a turquoise beach towel and a Tequila Sunrise. Also, let’s face it, weed is basically a pure Pisces elixir. It makes you want to escape into someone’s arms for a thousand hours and dream of what levels of consciousness exist after this one. Sounds good right about now. Let’s all meet at the local dispensary and ask them to play this song.
Related: Ask the Astro Poets: Why Does Being in Love Make Me Want to Vomit?
