ASTROLOGY

The Astro Poets’ Gift Guide for Every Zodiac Sign

From a Vitamix to nipple clamps.

Dec. 17, 2019

The holidays can be a stressful time, and especially when it comes to gift-giving. We’re here to help with our gift guide, broken down by sign. Below you’ll find some classic, strange, and definitely hand-picked suggestions for what to get that crazy Gemini in your life or the freedom-seeking Sagittarius who probably needs a break from everyone.

Aries

It just wouldn’t be the holidays without the queen of the holidays, Mariah Carey. This year is the 25th anniversary of her iconic “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Aries are known to be very festive, incredibly flamboyant, and outgoing. Mariah fully embodies this spirit; not even a disastrous (but iconic) New Year’s Eve performance could bring her down in 2016. For the enduring Aries in your life, it’s by all means appropriate that you gift them the Merry Christmas Deluxe Anniversary Edition of this now classic holiday record. They’ll probably be drunk and trying to sleep with you by the end of the first track.

Taurus

Face it, most Taureans you know like to be comfortable. And that’s the reason why you will very often find them wearing some simple and classy sneakers wherever they go. So, if you’re looking for a gift that they’ll really appreciate, get them some classic low-top Converse sneakers. They probably have a black pair already, and maybe another in a more subtle color, so in honor of the season, get them a luscious red pair. They will dress them up and dress them down and oh yeah, will love you forever for your thoughtfulness.

Gemini

Let’s be honest here: Geminis need to calm down. Yes, all Geminis. For all their “great” ideas and high energy, they tend to get in their own way more than anyone else does. If you have a Gemini friend you’re shopping for this holiday season, definitely consider gifting them a bottle of Ashwagandha (as opposed to a bottle of anything else). Ashwagandha is an ancient medicinal herb which is said to boost brain function and fight anxiety and depression. It’s excellent for introducing some chill into the day to day. Not that we need to name some famous Geminis who might have needed that this year…

Cancer

If there’s one thing that Cancers love, it’s domesticity. That’s why a great gift for them is a Vitamix. Like a Cancer, it’s sturdy and durable (a lot of people online have reported that theirs have lasted 20 years or more) and moreover, it’s a vixen in the kitchen. That’s ’cause a Vitamix can blend, smoothie, make dressings, shred cheese, and more. (It can probably do your taxes for you if you push the right button combination.) Your Cancer will love using it to follow grandma’s recipes, and also to make you some healthy drinks because you know how you always neglect taking your vitamins…

Leo

Well, here we are at the end of the year. It’s no doubt been exhausting for all of us, but imagine how exhausting being “on” 24/7 has been for your Leo friends. Obviously, Leos are the most self-conscious sign of all. They really care about how they’re perceived and they work very hard to appear flawless. They’re also very carnal, and the lusty side of their personality isn’t easily seen. (In fact they often try to tone it down). You’d definitely be setting that side free if you gift a Leo some nipple clamps. Whether they use them by themselves or with a partner (or partners)—who cares! It’s what they need to loosen up.

Virgo

Virgos are known to adore organization, and what better way to organize all of those pesky papers than a good old-fashioned filing cabinet? Your Virgo probably finds one of those traditional metal ones kind of blah, so they might like a rustic one, made out of warped wood (extra points if it’s recycled). As they go from A to Z and back again over the course of their work day, they’ll dream about the cabin they want to own one day in the woods and all the fabulous week-long parties they can throw there. If you get your Virgo one of these woodsy cabinets, you’ll definitely score a future invite!

Libra

Libras are already reading W (naturally) because they’re creatures of style. They can also be a little old fashioned—we prefer to think of it as classic—and like to carry something in print, something smart and portable, too. A subscription to the New Yorker is exactly that something, no matter what kind of Libra you’re shopping for. Don’t forget that Libras are the most refined and opinionated air sign. They want to know about each and every type of culture, from the latest gossip to what’s on at the Met. They’re also probably the sign most likely to cut out a New Yorker poem and put it on their fridge. And that’s pretty hot.

Scorpio

Scorpios usually have a reputation that (ahem) precedes them. In other words, you probably got to this part of the gift guide and assumed that the Scorpio suggestion would be related to sex. Not to disappoint, the ideal gift for a Scorpio is one night in a hotel within walking distance of their home. However, that’s not to say your Scorpio will necessarily use your gift to get hot and heavy. It’s more that Scorpios are loners and will appreciate a chance to get away when they want to someday (but not go too far). So, book a night for them close by for a rainy day. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just offer absolute privacy. You know, so that they can “read” all night.

Sagittarius

The Sagittarius in your life definitely wants to get away, and at all times. The holidays arrive right after Sagittarius season, but they’re not exactly Sagittarians’ favorite time of year. These fire signs have been known to purchase one-way tickets, and are often unable to commit to returning anywhere—especially if that anywhere includes any obligations. The Greek islands (and specifically the island of Patmos) are full of Sagittarius energy. Patmos is where the poet Robert Lax lived alone, in a white apartment, with all his cats, and wrote poems that people more or less never read, but were quite experimental and beautiful nonetheless. This holiday season, be a Sagittarius ally and help their freak flag fly by booking them a one-way flight to Patmos (or anywhere in the world, really). They’ll thank you by never texting you back.

Capricorn

Your Capricorn is your most royal friend, so what better gift to show them how special they are than a crown? Capricorns will love wearing it around—seemingly as a joke—and will love that you have a good sense of humor. But deep down, they’ll appreciate that you understand that they’re the rulers of the universe, and will think more highly of you for it. What color and sparkle level you choose is of course dependent on the aesthetics of your particular Capricorn, but we’d go for rich jewel tones—and, if possible, tons of rich jewels.

Aquarius

Aquarians are always getting into trouble and offending someone (though not on purpose). They can come off as icy and cerebral when really, all they want is to have a good time. A smoky quartz crystal is an excellent gift for an Aquarius because it neutralizes negative vibes and detoxifies, while also inviting mystery—something that Aquarians love to cultivate. Give them one that’s small enough to carry on their person. It’ll keep them out of trouble and grounded, too. Aquarians are one of the most mystical signs of the zodiac and absolutely appreciate these types of gifts. In fact, they might already have a huge smoky quartz somewhere in their house, which is why a portable one is perfect.

Pisces

Almost all of the Pisces we know are the life of the party. But after the party is over, they like to go home and snuggle with anything furry and warm—which is why a faux fur robe would be the perfect gift. It’s decadent and soft, without all of the guilt of hurting an innocent animal. (No Pisces wants to hurt anything.) Plus, many of them come in ocean blue colors, which will help a nervous Pisces relax and dream of water. If a Pisces is your significant other, you’re in for a surprise one day when they show up at the front door wearing it—and nothing else.