Conspiracy Theory: Geminis Ruined 2016

I’m no astrologer, but I’m pretty sure Geminis torpedoed 2016.

I don’t mean all Geminis. But a quick Google search of “notable Geminis” yields a murderers’ row of 2016’s most notorious troublemakers. To name just three, there’s President-elect Donald Trump, Vice president-elect Mike Pence, and thirsty if failed cabinet candidate Rudy Giuliani.

Then there are the President-elect’s supporters: Marco Rubio – “Little Marco” – and now Kanye West (maybe).

There was also Johnny Depp, who was pulled into a contentious divorce battle with estranged ex Amber Heard; the Lil Yachty slanderer Shia LaBeouf; and Macklemore, who didn’t really do anything this year besides be Macklemore and that’s enough to bum anyone out, isn’t it?

There’s more! G-Eazy had the nerve to try to kiss Britney Spears at the MTV Video Music Awards without asking. Bob Dylan triggered something of an international literary scandal when he won the Nobel Prize for Literature and did not deign to appear at the awards ceremony. (It was, of course, up to a Capricorn, Patti Smith, to remedy the situation and she agreed to accept the award on his behalf.)

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen made young love look utterly boring this year by going on double dates with Olivier Sarkozy, 47, and Richard Sachs, 58, respectively. And Angelina Jolie killed love altogether when she divorced Brad Pitt unexpectedly (Geminis are anything but predictable.)

Finally, Prince — sweet, sweet Prince — left us for the Gemini stars.

Some “notable” Geminis made positive contributions to culture this year, namely Natalie Portman, Amy Schumer, Stevie Nicks, and Kendrick Lamar. But honestly, that’s it. Are you with me now?

Because Trump and West are public figures (Geminis love being exhibitionists) the exact times and places when they were born are accessible online, making it easy to generate their natal charts. And, like with most astrological readings, the results make so much sense!

Geminis like Trump and West are extroverted, expressive people. Their twin symbol represents both a “two-faced” nature but also a mutable, negotiable, and adaptable one, which generally makes them very popular. They’re friends with everyone, eager to please, but when they’re not stimulated either socially or mentally, they become bored and will quickly move on. They’re flighty and scattered, oftentimes taking on too much at once. (Reassuring qualities in a president, no?) In this way, it can be hard to know exactly what they’re thinking at any given moment — even when they’re shouting it on Twitter at odd hours of the night.

The most apt characterization though is this: “Geminis have a finger in every pie.” Do you know what happens when you put your finger in every pie? You ruin all the pies for everyone.

Twitter’s favorite astrologers, the Astro Poets, have their own thoughts about Geminis’ behavior this year: “Geminis have had seemingly good things happen this year,” said Dorothea Lasky. “But in combination with the bad, it’s been a lot to take.”

West’s recent meeting with Trump, for example, nearly caused another Big Bang. It was too much cosmic Gemini power for the earth to handle: An amicable meeting between fraternal twins with a lofty agenda. No other Geminis but them could pull such a fantastic display of facetiousness.

As for their success in 2017, the outlook is (surprise, surprise) good for Geminis, and potentially bad for the rest of us. “Geminis adapt well to situations because they are chameleons,” said Alex Dimitrov, the other half of the Astro Poets. “They will prosper.”

So, next year, maybe keep your friends close and Geminis closer.

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