The Doctor Will See You Now
Overdosing on cosmetic enhancements? Mike Albo guides us through the latest spate of beauty-related disorders.
1
(eye-AG-ra la-TEES-ee-muh)
Fixation on making eyelashes appear thick and erect at all times. Symptoms: Addiction to prescription Latisse or other eyelash “conditioners”; frequent reapplication of mascara. Often diagnosed in tandem with Red Carpet Face—a perma-squint resulting from lids being weighed down with copious amounts of lash.
2
(peel-EE-me-ah)
Compulsive disorder in which victims exfoliate and chemically plane face—using scrubs, organic fruit extracts, trichloroacetic acid, or vibrating diamond-encrusted sanding wands—until skin resembles a slice of seared bluefin tuna. Symptom: Dating dermatologists—or at least friending them on Facebook.
3
(wy-ten-EYE-tiss)
Craving for teeth to appear the color of blackboard chalk. Symptoms: Sleeping with hydrogen peroxide–filled mouth guard; limiting oral intake to pale foods and white wine; recurring dreams involving Clorox.
4
(blohn-DEE-mee-ah)
Mania to bleach or highlight hair to appear Nordic blonde no matter one’s ethnic origins. Symptoms: Hair with color and consistency of straw. Sufferers often seen in proximity of rich men, hot tubs, and reality-TV shows.
5
(bow-TOX-ee-ah)
Obsessive need for frequent injections of botulinum toxin into one’s face in an attempt to be as smooth and wrinkle-free as a fiberglass statue. Symptom: Confusing actual skin with that depicted in magazines.
6
(tan-or-EX-ee-ah)
Also known as J. Lomia and Bain-de-Soleilitis: Obsessive need for skin to appear the color of a circus peanut or a can of Benjamin Moore’s Burnt Cinnamon. Symptom: Thinking Snooki looks “just fine.”
7
(ex-ten-shun-EYE-tiss)
Desperation for Samson-like hair, no matter how expensive or time consuming. Symptoms: Miraculous overnight “growth”; violent reaction to “hair” being stroked, caressed, patted, or pulled.
