Orlando Bloom's Morning To-Do Schedule Is Extremely Specific

What is your morning schedule like? Do you hit the snooze button a couple of times before dragging yourself out of bed? Have you been known to linger in your shower to hear the end of Up First on NPR? Does the subway constantly sabotage your attempts to make it to work on time? If so, your life is nothing like Orlando Bloom’s, whose morning is regimented down to the minute — and has the internet feeling serious Patrick Bateman energy.

“I wake up at around 6.30. I have a smart ring sleep tracker and the first thing I do is look at the app to see if I’ve had a good sleep and check my readiness for the day,” says Bloom, in a wild interview with The Times. Not sure why he needs an app to tell him if he slept well or not, but let’s continue.

“I chant for 20 minutes every day, religiously. I've had a Buddhist practice since I was 16, so that's infiltrated my whole being.” The use of the word “infiltrated” here is suspect, but maybe that’s an English thing.

“I like to earn my breakfast so I’ll just have some green powders that I mix with brain octane oil, a collagen powder for my hair and nails, and some protein.” This isn’t his actual breakfast. It’s a pre-breakfast containing brain octane oil. Is that FDA-approved?

Then, he says, he’ll “go for a hike while I listen to some Nirvana or Stone Temple Pilots.” By 9 a.m. he’s ready to eat his actual breakfast, which is “usually porridge, a little hazelnut milk, cinnamon, vanilla paste, hazelnuts, goji berries, a vegan protein powder and a cup of PG Tip.”

He also adores cows. “I’m 90 percent plant-based, so I’ll only eat a really good piece of red meat maybe once a month. I sometimes look at a cow and think, that’s the most beautiful thing ever.”

Naturally, the internet is bemused by Bloom’s admission — and seeming lack of self-awareness. And if there is one thing the internet loves to do, it is roast someone who is an unwitting parody of themselves.