12 Gift Ideas for the Terminally Online People In Your Life

Stop scrolling through the sale pages of Ssense.com. Pull yourself out of the Pinterest rabbit hole. Do not doom scroll on TikTok shop. And just stay off X, in general.

We—Peyton Dix and Hunter Harris, co-hosts of the podcast Lemme Say This —have created a hyper-specific gift guide for the chronically online. We are famously too online so you don’t have to be.

This is for your coworker with 11 hours of screen time. This is for your cousin who wants to be YouTube famous. This is for your partner who tucks themselves into bed by watching Reels. This is for your friend contemplating if they’re bisexual or not…they are. So keep reading if your White Elephant recipient knows who the Four Seasons Orlando baby is or what it means to hold space for the “Defying Gravity” lyrics. Your friend doesn’t need a podcast mic! They need these:

Hunter’s Gifts:

Experiment Softwear Lip Gloss

Knocking Aquaphor off the top spot of my most reached-for-lip product takes a lot. Experiment’s lip gloss is as moisturizing as Aquaphor but with the slightly thicker consistency of the best Rhode or Fenty glosses. I bought a three-pack so I can have one in every bag.

Rhode Pocket Blush

Speaking of Rhode—my favorite blushes are the shades “Piggy” and “Toasted Teddy.”

Laetitia Rouget ‘I Could Poison You’ Plates

I’m not very charmed by “whimsy.” I had a difficult time in the years Zooey Deschanel was really popular and everything was very “twee.” These dessert plates are a little cutesy, but there’s some mischief about finishing something sweet with a little wink.

Coach Brooklyn Shoulder Bag

Am I really 13 again, asking my parents to pick me up from Starbucks after a “date”…? Kinda! This Coach bag would be a great work-travel tote for hauling around books, headphones, my laptop, a snack…

Sapele Serving Tray and Wall Hook

If I saw this wooden serving tray hanging on a perfectly sized wall hook, I’d think, Oh, here’s a woman who’s really got her life together. I’d think, She definitely read that one New Yorker essay I only got halfway through. My greatest aspiration in life is just to be a woman who knows where things go. This set might get me like 25% of the way there.

SYK Skin Facial

My favorite facial in Manhattan. Give someone the gift of an inside-out glow.

Peyton’s Gifts:

Willie Norris x Dieux Skin ‘Promote Homosexuality’ Undereye Masks

The perfect gift doesn’t exi–. This is for the gays. This is for the allies. This might be for the homophobes. Because even if they don’t wear these high-performing, incredibly c*nt, REUSABLE undereye masks, 100% of the proceeds from your purchase benefit G.L.I.T.S (gays and lesbians living in a transgender society).

A Bottle (or Two) of Gia Coppola Wine

Tired: Wine and cheese. Wired: Gia Coppola wine and Gia Coppola’s The Last Showgirls. And cheese.

Octobuddy

Every aspiring internet It-girl deserves this phone accessory. It makes creating content on your own simple. Even the haters of the god-awful suction sound it makes when being pulled from a glass surface understand its ease and appeal…just ask one Hunter Yvonne Harris. Say goodbye to the disappointment of asking your friends to take your photo—it’s time to take content into your own hands. Add to cart, and slap this baby on your nearest smooth surface for the perfect selfie.

Olive Odyssey Cold-Pressed Olive Oil

This Palestinian olive oil is so good you will hardly want to use it, especially because it’s constantly selling out.

‘Big Is Moving to Paris’ Ashtray

As Chloe Sevigny once said—and maybe I am paraphrasing here—but vaping is f*cking disgusting. If you’re going to smoke, first, make it weed, but if you must, do it the old-fashioned way. To complement your habit, Think1994 makes the only ashtrays worth buying. I suggest their most recent BIG IS MOVING TO PARIS tray or the MARY KATE AND ASH tray.

Tickets to see Cole Escola’s Oh, Mary! on Broadway

My only wish on this earth would be to be able to see Oh, Mary! again with virgin eyes.