Anna Marie Tendler is many things: a fine art photographer, a Victorian lampshade designer, a hair and makeup stylist, a beauty blogger, and now, a published author. “My original pitch wasn’t for a memoir but for a coffee-table book of photography with a few personal essays,” Tendler tells W from her whimsical country home in Connecticut. “Reimagining it as memoir was my editor’s idea, and though I was nervous, I knew it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.”
The book, in Tendler’s words, is about mental health and womanhood, as well as “the endless source of my heartbreak and rage—men.” Men Have Called Her Crazy spans late 2020 to 2023, focusing primarily on Tendler’s two-week stay in a psychiatric facility. Tendler, then 35 and in the throes of an increasingly public divorce from comedian John Mulaney, followed the advice of her therapist and sought intensive treatment for suicidal ideation, self-harm, and disordered eating. Interspersed between anecdotes from art therapy sessions and movie nights with the other women in the hospital are flashbacks to Tendler’s romantic past. The several unhealthy and, at times, illegal relationships with men shed light on her enduring mental health struggle, foregrounding their respective contributions to her insecurity, anxiety, and paranoia.
Men Have Called Her Crazy offers an original portrait of a woman who’s reached the apex of her rage against the patriarchy, a field guide to contemporary mental health practices, and a moving testament to the possibility of growth and healing. Below, Tendler opens up about her writing process, her current favorite recipe, and the album she can’t stop listening to on repeat.
Did the process of writing the book change your relationship to the experiences you were writing about?
It did: a lot of the anger dissipated from them. One of my big goals for the book was to write about the things that made me angry but to write about them in a constructive way. I tried to think: what’s the most constructive language, framing, or way of showing both sides of this scenario? I also believe that stuff gets stored in your body, and being able to get it out can be very helpful.
Was it a therapeutic process, then?
Yes, definitely. I have a real inferiority complex about my work, which I think other women can relate to. From a young age, I never felt smart; I always had to qualify my intelligence and prove that being aesthetically minded didn’t make you frivolous. The process of writing the memoir proved to me that I was smart, capable, and able to achieve a lot more than I’d previously thought possible.
Did you read any other memoirs in preparation for writing your own?
Honestly, not really. I didn't want to pick anything up inadvertently. I felt like if I read something that I loved too much, it would trigger my perfectionism and make it even harder for me to write. The only memoir I reread was Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen because I wanted to see how she handled writing about the people she was in the hospital with. Other than that, Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, and Rivka Galchen's Everyone Knows Your Mother Is a Witch, I pretty much stopped reading until I finished writing.
Speaking of witchcraft, did you have a writing ritual?
Because of everything going on in my life at the time, I had to be really flexible with my schedule. But before I sat down to write, I’d always cleanse my desk, computer, and body with palo santo or sage from an Indigenous beader who sells beautiful jewelry through her company, Three Sisters by Emma.
Can you tell me a little about your interest in magic and astrology?
I pull tarot cards weekly, if not daily. I see a tarot card reader, know my birth chart, and keep up with astrology. That said, I don’t think these things predict the future. I use them as tools for self-reflection, and feel they bring me calm and peace.
Is there anyone in that space whose work you’re particularly drawn to?
I look for people whose approach is similarly grounded, like Chani Nicholas. I also really like Jessica Dore’s work. She's a licensed social worker who does tarot and has a book called Tarot for Change. She also has a really well-researched and thoughtful newsletter called Offerings, which I read every Sunday.
What other forms of media do you like to consume?
Reality TV! I love the Real Housewives. When I'm not working, I want to turn my brain off; reality TV is the best way to do that.
How about films? Do you have any all-time favorites?
I could watch Lady Bird over and over again. It’s a perfect movie without a single misstep. My favorite movie is The Royal Tenenbaums. I also love Martin Scorsese's first film, After Hours, which was made in 1985 and starred Griffin Dunne and Rosanna Arquette.
Are there any directors that you go to for inspiration or when you’re in a rut creatively?
Park Chan-wook. His movies' art direction and production design are incredible, and most of it’s done by Ryu Seong-hie, who he’s worked with since Old Boy in 2003. She’s amazing! I also love the aesthetics of Wong Kar-wai's In the Mood for Love; it’s one of the most beautifully filmed movies you will ever see. And more recently, Marie Kreutzer’s Corsage.
There are quite a few musical references throughout your book. What’s your relationship to music?
I usually always have it playing unless I’m working, and then I need absolute silence. Waxahatchee's [2020] album Saint Cloud was sort of the background track to the book. I listened to that a lot after I got out of the hospital, and then while I was finishing writing, I was listening to Pinegrove. I get obsessed with an album, which becomes the only thing I can or want to listen to. Phoebe Bridgers’s Stranger in the Alps is another album like that, and more recently, Rosalía’s Motomami.
Is there anything else you wish you could share or recommend?
Honestly, my final wish would be for men to consume more media by women: art, music, books, and movies. I recently saw a meme of an old Jeopardy picture where the whole board was cleared except for Historical Women, and of course, the contestants were three men. It would change the world immediately if every man sat down and read a few books by women.
Think about the instant increase in empathy! What would be the one book or series you’d assign them?
Definitely My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante for the book, and Michaela Coel’s I May Destroy You for the series.
